♪ There she goes
like a shooting star ♪
♪ She got fireworks
in her heart ♪
♪ Lighting up this world… ♪(women laughing) (woman)
You guys.
You never slept with him. You don’t know
what you’re missing. (woman 2)
No way! It’s crazy. Hi. Are you lost? Um, I’m sorry. I just– I love
all of you, I can’t– (laughing)
I can’t believe
you’re here. You’re, like,
literally my heroes. (Julia)
God, you look familiar. Are you that girl
from the television who talks about her
pussy all the time? Yes! That– Yes, thank you. How fun.
Well, come sit. Please. (laughing)
Come on. Yeah. Come talk about
your pussy over here. (Amy giggling) Is it– Is it
someone’s birthday or– Oh. Kind of the opposite. We’re celebrating Julia’s
last fuckable day. (Julia)
Yes, salud. Woo!
Woohoo! Um, I’m sorry, did you say
Julia’s last fuckable day? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What is that? In every actress’ life, the media decides
when you finally reach the point where you’re not
believably fuckable anymore. But– I mean,
how do you know? Who tells you? Well, nobody–
Nobody really overtly tells you, Right. but there are signs. You, like–
You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks’
love interest in “Punchline” and then,
like, 20 minutes later, she was his mom
in “Forest Gump”? Or you might get
offered a romcom with Jack Nicholson
where you’re competing with another woman
to fuck him. I just had an audition
for Mrs. Claus. You’re kidding me. I read for that part. You did? I read for that, too. (Julia)
You did? Yes. Hey, who got that? J.Lo. (gasping)
Oh, she’ll be good. She’s gonna be really good. (Julia)
Really good. Or you go to a movie set, you go to wardrobe
and the only thing they have for you to wear
are long sweaters, like cover you up
head to toe kind of thing. Right, or, like,
the poster for your movie is just, like, a picture
of a kitchen. Yeah. With these very uplifting
and yet vague titles, like, “Whatever It Takes”
or “She Means Well.” That kind
of thing, right? Another common sign is when they
start remaking your best movies with younger,
more fuckable actresses. I guess they’re making “Boyhood”
with Selena Gomez in my part. That’s gonna make
a lot of money. I don’t understand.
You’re all so fuckable. Like, believe me, no one
was more surprised than me that they let me stay fuckable
throughout my 40s and the fact that it
continued into my 50s. This was just like,
thanks, but… I thought that US Weekly
had made some sort of a clerical error
or something. Tell me about it.
If you shoot a sex scene the night before
your birthday, everyone is like,
hurry up, hurry up, we gotta get it
before midnight, ’cause they think
your vagina is gonna turn
into a hermit crab. Uh-huh. Well, is there anything
you can do to delay it? Yeah, I mean, you can try,
but it only makes it worse, like those
Real Housewives. They try to look young, but then they end up
looking like a purse that melted
in a car accident. Yeah. They look like when a kid
draws a face on its hand. But what about men?
Like, who tells men when it’s their
last fuckable day? (all laughing) Honey, men don’t
have that day. Never. Well, they’re
fuckable forever. They could be 100 and, like,
nothing but white spiders coming out,
but they’re fuckable. I didn’t get this commercial
last week for AARP because the director
said I was too old to play Larry King’s wife. I heard that Bruce Willis just got engaged to a girl
who is 24 years younger than him and I heard that
she’s an actual baby lamb. What?
Really? Mm, Google it. So, wait, are you guys,
like, bummed at all? (Julia)
What?
No. Are you kidding me? I’m thrilled. Ecstatic. I mean, I don’t have
to deal with this, maintaining this anymore. I mean, it’s just such–
It’s a godsend. I can grow
my pubes out, it’s– Look at this. See this ice cream? It’s been sitting
out here for an hour. You wanna know why? Watch this, baby. (all chanting)
Chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug! (Amy chuckling)
Oh, my God!
Woo! (belching) Whoa! (laughing) (farting) Oh, whoa. (Tina)
Hilo ! (all laughing) (Julia)
All right. You know
what’s next. Let’s go do
this thing. Where are we going? To do the ritual. And then we put
her in the boat and we push her out
into the water and we drink champagne
to salute how fuckable she was
for so many years. It’s nice. (Julia)
Yeah, It’s really nice. (all shouting)
Cheers. (laughing) And where is she going? Home. Wait, what? Tina, no! Seriously, relax. She’s just
going to her house. I gotta get clothes that I’ve
got to get out of the dryer. (exhaling) Okay, I was right. She’s an actual baby lamb. Oh. Oh. (Julia)
Can I see it? Oh. Good for them. I’m out. Okay, bye,
I’ll see you. (kissing) What are you doing? I’m just gonna, um,
go home and wax my beard.